Infertility in general is just plain hard, at all times. But infertility at Christmas time is so much harder than I ever imagined.
I thought I’d be pregnant by now, I knew I would be pregnant at Christmas and it was going to be so much fun. I was going to get one of those cute shirts saying like “Bump’s First Christmas.”
We were going to get such cute stuff for our baby as presents. We would be able to hang a small little stocking for our baby.
Our Christmas card would be the cutest and let all of our family and friends know we were expecting.
But we aren’t.
Instead we’re fighting back the tears and trying to ease our broken hearts.
We’re forcing smiles while opening gifts and acting like it’s exactly what we wanted. But the truth is, the only thing we truly want is a cheap drug-store test with those 2 pink lines. Every gift we open will be a disappointment, because the only thing we wanted this year, we won’t be getting.
I’ll look at other’s trees and see the “baby’s first Christmas” ornament and hold back the tears because I wonder when I’ll get to buy that for my tree.
When relatives ask about our children situation at dinner, I’ll force a smile and say “hopefully next month will be our month.”
This Christmas won’t be the most “wonderful time of the year” at our house.
I know this won’t be our reality forever, but for now, it is our reality. Next Christmas might be the same way and the one after that too. It’s reality. But we know one day our hearts won’t feel broken.
I’m holding onto hope. I’m staying optimistic, but I have to be realistic at the same time. Telling me not to be sad and not to cry isn’t helping. It’s making me angrier. Because it’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to cry. As long as we pick up and keep moving forward.
If you’re battling infertility this Christmas, I’m praying for you. I pray for you daily. I pray you trust your faith and God to help you and guide your journey. I’m praying for you this Christmas. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. It feels like you are, but you aren’t.