my battle with infertility

It’s something you hear about, but you never think it’ll happen to you. I’ve always been relatively healthy, so why would it affect me? I mean I want kids, so I’ll be able to have them, right? WRONG. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

We had been trying to conceive for a few months and I just wasn’t regular. I was confused, thinking it was probably just because I wasn’t on birth control anymore. I thought it would work itself out on its own, I started kicking myself for taking the pill for so many years. I took countless pregnancy tests each month when my period wasn’t arriving, assuming I was pregnant. WRONG. I finally had had enough and called my doctor. For them, it was just another patient, but for me, I was the ONLY person in the world, this had ever happened to. My mind was racing, filled with so many questions. What’s wrong with me? Will I ever have children?

We both were quiet on the way to the appointment. Neither of us said a word. Our trembling hands clung together. We walked silently into the doctor’s office and waited for my name to be called. The minutes we waited felt like an eternity. There were many pregnant mothers and their spouses in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but look at them with envy. When the nurse {finally} called my name, we both looked at each other and my heart had never raced faster than in that moment. We had gone through the waiting, the panic, only for the doctor to say “come back in a few days.” WHAT? I had to go through all of the panic, waiting, nervousness again.

The next few days came and went, SLOWLY. I just wanted to know what was wrong with my body. I was on edge. Thursday finally came and it was time to go back to the doctor. I sat in the waiting room, once again, nervous, panicked, and every other emotion possible. I thought I was prepared for what would come of this appointment, but I wasn’t, I wasn’t at all. Because looking back, how could I have been? I had no idea what the doctor was about to tell me, but I definitely wasn’t prepared for what she did..

“Shannon, you have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.”

My heart sank, I had heard of PCOS, I knew a little about it, but I never thought I would have it. How could I possibly have an infertility disease? She HAD to have my file confused with someone else’s file. I certainly didn’t have it. I didn’t say much that appointment. I left silently and barely broke out of those automatic doors before tears filled my eyes. I was in denial, I was in shock, I was heartbroken.

It wasn’t long before I got back to work and my fingers pounded my keyboard trying to learn as much as I could about this disease. I didn’t even tell my husband for a few days because I was in denial. If I didn’t tell him, I didn’t have it, right? Or so I thought. I just couldn’t come to terms with I had an infertility disease. I might not be able to have children. It looked so easy for everyone else, why not me?

When I had finally come to terms with I was now battling infertility, I knew I had to take it by the horns. I told my husband, my sister, my mom, and a few close friends. I went back through the sheet from my doctor and her game plan she had written out for me. I found a support group. I embraced it and from that moment, I knew it was going to be okay.

 

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